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PICTURES OF MY GENITALS

Page history last edited by CoatHanger 9 years, 9 months ago

AKA, The Danger of Sexting At Dragon*Con


 

what the f

As we all know by now, teenagers like to take pictures of their naked selves to send to all of their peers. According to the media this is indicative of the apocalypse, but more importantly right now, it's trendy. We, the nerd public, need to work hard to keep up with trends since we're not naturally included in such things, seeing as how we have no friends or 'peers' to keep us into any sort of loop.

 

You, in your desperation for popularity, will surely want to get in on this act. You're in luck! All you need is a camera phone, genitals, and someone to whom you can send pictures thereof (NOT ME). Before you run off and start snapping those candids, though, we have a few suggestions and warnings for you.

 

Legalities

So, yeah, this is a hot thing amongst teens these days. Those poor losers have a problem as if they're under 18 and take pics of their junk, BAM, they get a visit from the FBI party van and get to register on the Sex Offender Facebook. On top of that, those that are in school tend to have those pictures sent to everyone, their teachers, their principals, etc. And if their principal isn't into that sort of thing (most are into it though, why would they spend so much time around those damn kids if they weren't?), then the parents find out too. If a friend sends you underage sexting material and it goes through the circle of life to your parents, then boom, your folks just found out from your principal that you were jerking it off to child porn. Not a good thing.

 

Ergo, here's a protip: don't sextify yourself if you're under 18.

 

Why would you do this to yourself

Exactly WHY this happens is a mystery to most scientists who have attempted to study the problem. In general, the studies place the why of it into two main categories.

 

  1. Teenagers + hormones + technology = crippling mental handicap.
  2. Non-teenagers trying desperately to be cool through overtly sexualizing oneself. 

 

The fact is, for those of a legal age, sending naughty pictures of oneself around can offer a certain amount of sexy thrill. But the practice can be used as a tool as well (no pun intended)... perhaps it's an excellent way to cut through communicative difficulties and make someone understand, in no uncertain terms, that you're interested in an intimate relationship with them. At least for an evening, or more likely, two or three minutes.

 

Why wouldn't you do this to yourself

If you ignore the legal ramifications of the whole under-18 pedophile crap, then the biggest issue you've got with sending out pictures is that chances are extremely good that whomever you send that pic to will forward it elsewhere. And then it'll go elsewhere. And as much as you may think there's no real harm in a few people seeing pics of your tiny todger, it's going to make it to the internet. Some day, far from now, you'll be in an interview for a new job and Manager Jack Hingoff is going to have looked you up on Facebook only to be met with a giant, pulsating image of your minuscule member. Or worse, you actually get a job and the cute girl in Marketing with whom you actually had a shot finds the picture and decides you're just not tall enough to ride.

 

You're going to lose control of those pictures, one way or another, and you likely won't understand the full ramifications of that until a strange incident years down the line. Losing control can be another thrill, but you have to be ready for those consequences.

 

Nude Cellphone Erotic Photography for the Feeble Minded

So you've weighed the pros and cons and decided, for whatever reason, that the world would be a better place if you send someone pictures of your junk. I urge you to reconsider solely due to the fact that I'm going to end up staring at your disgusting self on 4chan one day. But if you must, you might as well do it right.

 

There are a few basic photography rules to help you out in any situation and they do apply here.

  • Be aware of your light. Photography is all about capturing light.
  • Think of your composition. This is hard to do for self-portraits but try to make sure that you're framed properly if possible.
  •  

 

Tips for Gentlemen

Even though I hope to never, ever see anything of any of you people online, at least have the decency to put more effort into it than a straight up shot of your rod. Such a picture is certainly clear cut (unless you're uncircumcised I guess...) regarding any, ah, intentions you have with any potential partners. But certainly you can put in a modicum of effort on behalf of your hopeful upcoming dirtyness.

 

So step one, be brave. A little liquid courage may help here but for the love of god don't overdo it. Pictures of Mr. Goodwrench on its own are better than pictures of Mr. Goodwrench wearing vomit.

 

Step two, work on that composition. You'll want to show off Mr. Party Tool along with your sculpted abs, if you've got them (HAH).

 

Step three. This is an old art trick you can use. If you check out landscape pictures by the master painters of the Renaissance you'll notice that larger items, or foreground items, are painted in brighter colors. This gives it more depth but why? Because items closer to you seem to reflect more light than stuff further away, giving them the impression of being brighter. Ergo, if you need to size up your enchanted short staff, get a spotlight on it. And maybe a telescope.

 

Tips for the Ladies

What, you need tips? Assuming you're going to send this to a male, keep in mind that he's male. There's a 99.9999% chance that he's tugged it to the entirely un-sexy underwear ads in a Sears catalog, and for the average Dragon*Con male, there's an 80% chance that that happened as recently as yesterday.

 

It's hard to go wrong here, given those circumstances. The best advice I can give is to know your audience at least a little beforehand. If he doesn't go for huge body tattoos of Robert Pattinson's face on your torso, you might want to strategically cover that, you know?

 

THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT DELIVER

When you clicked this link I pray you weren't actually expecting (or dare I say, hoping) to see pictures of the genitals of a random internet dude who goes by the nickname of CoatHanger, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

 

That aside, lets not waste time with wisecracks. Sexting is a trend that just isn't going to go away, and it's sure as hell going to be happening at D*C. We're not against it, by any means, but seriously. There's a lot of potential problems that could arise from participating in it. Think long and hard (pun again not intended) about this sort of thing before you get involved. Do you want nude pics of yourself making the rounds with the Klingons? I wouldn't.

 

The more you know.

 

 

 

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