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Guide to Celebrity Worship

Page history last edited by Garand 9 years ago Saved with comment


 

The Ones that Rule You

In the barren wasteland that is your social life there are few features worth drawing anyone's attention. Friends are few in your tiny world, and statistically speaking, your family has likely abandoned you in shame. It's a small wonder that you, pathetic being that you are, are so desperate to latch onto any figure with which you feel even the slightest connection through the loving glow of the TV screen. It's the perfect relationship for you, isn't it? They'll always be there for you: Commander Data, Starbuck (the one with titties), Kaylee, Mark Hamill, and the voice actress from that anime that you would love so much if she was real. Always there in those DVDs. They can't leave you, and don't judge you. It's the perfect relationship for you.

 

As such, Dragon*Con must be a very special event. All your "family" is suddenly there for you, and of course you're eager to tell them all about how you've been, since they can't hear you when you speak to your TV. But they're so busy, and the pummelings of their bodyguards hurt so much. How dare they get in the way of your love? You need their affection, their validation. They owe it to you: their fans (you) made them who they are!

 

One to Find Them

Before you can embarrass yourself in front of your heroes, you'll need to know where they are. Most of the suckers out there will keep it simple and attend their panels. You'll certainly want to do this too, as it provides an excellent opportunity: if you slip out early you may have a chance to follow them back to their hotel room.

 

Knowing the hotel room, it's is recommended that you don't actually knock at said room, because chances are good that's going to end up involving hotel security. However, this gives you a chance to "happen" to spot them coming out of their rooms or, better, to trap yourself in an elevator with them. Score!

 

Please don't do that, though. It's shameful.

 

One to Bring Them

A crafty stalker fan that can exert a little bit of patience can find a convenient way to bring them to you. How? Be involved in the programming track that they tend to be associated with. If you play the long con and start volunteering for, say, the Trek Trak, then through your efforts you may have opportunities to rub elbows with your heroes. It's important to be careful with this: one whiff of the fact that you're after some of Brent Spiner's DNA is likely to get you clamped down upon/kicked out/eviscerated by a lot of angry Klingons for chasing away their heroes.

 

Volunteering for a track, a charity (less likely to get you in with the celebs but a good deed regardless), or for Dragon*Con itself is a good way to see a lot of behind the scenes activity and are just generally nice things to do. None are guaranteed to get you what you want, though.

 

And in the Darkness...

While this is rarely a useful method for meeting your heroes, it should be admitted that there have been instances where D*C guests attend a party and choose to mate (by which I mean "use their celebrity status to score some tail") with one of the convention attendees. As this wiki is neither a tabloid nor willing to risk a libel lawsuit we won't name names, but it does happen. It's almost exclusively a case of a male guest and a female attendee... though it hasn't been limited to such.

 

In general we feel inclined to recommend against this as a method for meeting you heroes, and we do so for two reasons.

  1. Your target may not be romantically inclined to you (whether due to incorrect gender for their sexuality, insufficient inebriation, or that you're probably ugly as a war wound) so the possibility is iffy at best.
  2. Ever hear the saying that you shouldn't meet your heroes? That applies tenfold in regards to sexings. (Admit it, ladies. If you met up with some hot young star at a party, went back to his room for naughtiness, and found out he was crap in bed, you'd be devastated.)

 

Bind Them

So lets say, by hook or by crook or by unmentionable (and frequently also regrettable and contagious) dirty deeds, you've managed to score some one on one time with your absolute biggest hero. There you are, gaping at the individual from the TV which brightens your every day, and without whom you could not live. Man you're sad. But what do you do?

 

The well-adjusted amongst you (which probably narrows down to just myself, to be fair) may think ahead and prepare oneself with the amazing Conversation Guide. It does have a few specifics to assist you with stumbling your way through a few moments of polite celebrity-worship. But since you're not me, you won't have done so. Instead, here are a few tips in the vain hope that you won't look like a drooling jackass in front of your precious.

 

            • Do not drool. We also recommend:
    • Do not stand there with your mouth hanging open
    • Do not breathe on them too hard
    • Do not hyper-ventilate
    • Try to control your sweating if at all possible
    • Fainting is acceptable because it gives them the opportunity to flee
    • Control your sexual arousal where possible. This goes triply for males when it's more obvious (and alarming) to the celebrity.
  • Remain calm.
  • Do not attempt physical contact without obvious warning, and without some form of permission.
    • "Can I have a hug" makes you look like a dork but is the polite way to go about it if you must ask.
    • Offering your hand for a handshake is sufficient warning, but try not to feel too disappointed if they don't go for it.
      • Shake hands ONLY if you are confident that you will not be drenching their palm in your assorted moistures.
  • If possible, try to speak clearly. Mumbling is not going to make you look like a well adjusted individual.
    • Individuals for whom stuttering is an uncontrollable trait are exempt from this: we understand that that's a difficult thing to live with.
    • It's understandable that you may be nervous but do try to speak up.
      • They can shout, don't hear you.
  • Acknowledge that they are a better person than you and that their time is precious. A few lines of conversation is probably all you'll have time for so don't launch into an extended discussion.
    • In some EXTREMELY RARE instances, the individual in question may have more time available AND they may be willing to spend it listening to you. This is the exception, not the rule.
    • Be sure to give them opportunities to get out of the conversation. "You must be busy so I won't keep you," for example. If nobody is chewing their own leg off to escape, it will be a more pleasant memory all around.
  • In general, do not assume that the individual may remember you from a previous meeting. These people meet metric assloads (yes, a technical term used to denote both the number and obesity of people) of fans and they aren't likely to give a crap about any specific one of them.
    • Never assume this will be the case.
    • If they do remember you, you're blessed by the Gods. (For instance, one popular author did recognize me from a brief conversation we had after I volunteered at a book signing of his. Now who wants to touch me?)
    • If they have cause to remember you due to a negative previous experience, for instance, a restraining order, then it's best to avoid contact all together.

 

 Recovery

Meeting one's hero can be a powerful experience but there are downsides to this. If nothing else, you're enabling your socially inept self to continue your lifestyle of hoping for validation from a TV show/movie/book/whatever. You need to find your own validations.

 

Remember that in almost all of these cases, you're not worshiping the individual you meet at Dragon*Con: you're worshiping a character, or a story, or something from a much larger body of work of that person. That's not Spock, it's Leonard Nimoy, an actor, photographer, and philanthropist. You're not just meeting the creator of Pern, you're meeting Anne McCaffrey who... actually I don't know if she's ever done anything else. And always, always remember that Edward Cullen is a fictional character and will never love you.

 

And if you read that and feel offended by it, I have one last set of tips for you.

 

  • Go outside.
    • Right now.

 

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