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Guide To Partying

Page history last edited by CoatHanger 9 years, 9 months ago


 

Introduction

Out there, in the real world, you suck. No, come on, let's admit it. You're lame. It's ok, we all are. But then every year you get to Dragon*Con. That doesn't automatically mean you don't suck, but outside of your sucky normal world, you have a chance to redeem yourself. You've got a fresh start, like that dude on Lost who was a loser until he suddenly wasn't. That could be you... minus the killing and the knives and stuff.

 

But you know you can't do it alone: you just suck too much to turn it around on your own. That's why we're here, my friend. We're going to turn you into Dragon*Con's greatest party animal, a living legend, images of which will be found on all of the fan photo pages. You will be blogged about, talked about, and your name will be spoken in hushed tones with a sense of awe. Women/men may suddenly desire you. You might even be so lucky as to have Dragon*ConTV mention you in a bumper, and that's when you know you've really made it.

 

Finding A Party

The first thing you have to do is find a party to attend. You'll need to know this ahead of time so you can adequately plan. Now, this wiki does contain lists of Parties, but since nobody decided to list any of them this last year, it's not exactly useful in any way, shape, or form. Instead you'll have to search entries like the Dragon*Con Livejournal page, or the D*C Facebook pages. With luck you'll find an event that's right up your alley.

 

Choosing The Right Party

Rule #1: You have to be at the right party. It doesn't do you much good to show up at the Colonial Fleet party if you've never watched BSG and spend all your free time LARPing (not that there's anything wrong with that, weirdo). As you start finding details on parties that will be going on, make a list for yourself. Even if there's not a party that's specifically in-tune with your general fandom, you might be able to find one that's close enough to get by. And you'll probably also want to see if it's a public party or a private one. Crashing a party can be all well and good, but assuming you're new to this (and you are), then lets stick to the basics.

 

If, despite your best efforts, you can't find the right party, then do what everyone else does. Join the massive, seething party going on in the hotel lobbies every night, by the bars. It's tougher to stand out here, but it's still a party and therefore you can still be an animal.

 

Planning For The Party

Great! You've listed the party in your PDA like the loser you are and it's time to start getting ready to go. Now, as much as you freaking wish you were all spontaneous and free-spirited, we know you'll make a mess of it. So don't just show up and call it good. You need to be dressed for the adventure, you need to be psyched up for the party, and you need to have some sort of gameplan.

 

Playing Dress-Up

You'll want to have some nice snazzy clothes for the party. Let's be clear on this: the "witty" t-shirt you got in the dealer's room yesterday isn't exactly fashionable. We can do better, and the fact is, we can do better pretty easily. I hear you ask "how? How could I do better? I'm a fat, ugly slob who doesn't know crap about fashion and besides, who cares about looking good? It's Dragon*Con for god's sake." See, you're entirely wrong. You don't need to know anything about fashion to fake it, and it's not about looking good and being noticed. It's about not being noticed for looking like crap.

 

It's easy. You know all those catalogs for crap like JC Pennys? Pick one up, find an individual therein that has a style you like. Buy that outfit in your size. Boom. Problem solved. Even at plus sizes (if you can fit into them) you'll be looking quite normal. It's best if you find something that can be worn with nice, newish, clean sneakers, mostly for comfort reasons. That wasn't hard, was it?

 

Cleaning Up

Ok, so here's a somewhat delicate subject to approach. You need to bathe. No, I mean really. You need two or three showers to start, but an all-around hygiene-fest is in order.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, attend any variety of party unless you have achieved every last one of the following items. Seriously. Nobody is going to notice you for being super-clean, but the point is to NOT be noticed for being freaking nasty.

  • Take a shower, with soap at least. Scrub.
  • Wash your hair, and be sure to shampoo.
  • Unless you know, with certainty, that you can pull off a stubble look, shave.
    • If you regularly wear facial hair, trim it.
    • If this facial hair also includes a neckbeard, SHAVE ALL OF IT and don't look back.
  • All of the clothes you put on after this bathing should be clean. Not the stuff you wore yesterday, unless you washed it since then.
    • Clean underwear is mandatory, and omg, it's gross that I even need to tell you that.
  • Brush your teeth
    • AND floss.
      • Yes, all your teeth, not just the front ones.
    • Use mouthwash. Mints are not sufficient to cover it.
  • Apply deodorant. I recommend anti-perspirant where possible: it'll be warm and you'll want to minimize pit-stains.
  • Cologne/perfume isn't necessary, but if you feel you must use it, use a LITTLE of it. You don't want to walk into the room and have people choking over it. Again, you're trying not to be noticed... yet.

 

By now you should be suffering from the undoubtedly awkward and unusual sensation of "being clean." Do not panic. You've just taken your first step into a larger world of hygiene. This is a good moment for an odor check. If you are able to detect any form of odor from yourself that is not related to any soap, shampoo, cologne/perfume, or any other scented hygiene product you've used over the past hour, STOP. You've done something incorrectly and need to begin again, even if it means you'll be late to the party (which is fashionable anyway). Start over.

 

Outfitting the Expedition

You know where you're going and you've cleaned up for it. Now it's time to decide what to take with you. Note that this guide assumes that you're already fully clothed, with shoes, etc. On top of that you'll want your wallet or other device for carrying identification, currency of some sort (plastic counts), and your Dragon*Con badge just to be on the safe side. A cell phone is also a good idea, and be sure you have contact information for someone you can trust, just in case. If you're such a loser you don't have anyone specific, then have the hotel's front desk in there.

 

Those are the obvious ones. Here are a few others that are recommended.

  • Breath mints, just in case.
  • Condoms, just in case (no, really! you might get laid! try not to hyperventilate thinking about it)
  • Room key.
  • For smaller parties, did they request that attendees bring anything? You can score bonus cool points by helping to meet any of those needs.
  • Most parties also welcome spare alcohol. Beer, a bottle of vodka or rum, etc., are often welcomed.
  • Other incidentals that may be appropriate for the party. Unfortunately you're on your own on this one, but make sure it's something that isn't lost easily, that you're not too afraid of having lost or stolen (so no limited edition Green Latern Lanterns, right?), etc.

 

Are you all set? Got everything you need? There's one last step before you go.

 

Get Equipped With FUNK

It's time to psych up. Between you and me and all the other people on the internet, you're not the most social creature. Sure, you've read the Conversation Guide and you can sit in the corner with a drink not talking to anyone like a damned pro. Mad props for that. But in a big social environment like this, I know it can be intimidating, and you're also a pussy. We need to get you pumped. You need to be ready to, and there's no other way to say it, be sociable. STOP, don't run away. Stay there. Seriously. This is for your own good.

 

When you get to the party you need to start by mingling. That means actually talking to people. Smile. Have a good time. Don't sit in a corner moping because you don't recognize anyone, don't hang out with your one friend that's there because you don't know anyone. Introduce yourself. Shake hands now and then. Tell a joke. You know you can do it. Don't be afraid.

 

Will you slip up and say something awkward or stupid? Hell yeah. But you know what? That's a good thing. Laugh at youself and apologize when you realize you did it. It's cool. They'll hopefully laugh with you a bit.

 

At any rate, if you're not mingling out there, all of this is for nothing. So you need to be ready for it ahead of time. You can do it. There is no try.

 

At the Party

Hopefully you actually read that last section rather than skipping it because its message makes you uncomfortable, but now that you're at the party (preferably well after it was scheduled to begin), it's time to have fun. Start drinking.

 

A lot of people find that once the booze starts flowing, the rest of this comes naturally to them. But go out and mingle. Dance, even alone if you have to, and if you don't think you can dance then the alcohol isn't speaking to your soul yet, so have more. And totally ignore me in the corner with a video camera and dollar signs for eyes thinking about uploading it to Youtube.

 

It's important to fight you every instinct here and let your inhibitions go. Run wild, have fun, be a freak. You have that freaky energy in you, let it out. Like Freakazoid except you'll never be as attractive, to be honest. And keep drinking! Alcohol poisoning is a small price to pay for popularity.

 

Soon, nature will take its course and you'll black out.

 

Aftermath

Despite your unspeakable terror about the dangers of human interaction at the party itself, the fallout the next day is always where the real danger lies. You may forget everything that happened but if you wake up and find yourself in any of the below situations, you can consider it a success.

  • Waking up in bed next to anything human who hopefully
    • is attractive
    • is of the correct gender for your sexual preference
    • is over 18
    • doesn't wake up only to see you in bed with them and vomit
    • isn't wearing a fursuit
    • is still alive
  • Fleeing from the significant other of the above.
  • Wearing a gimp mask and unable to move your legs.
  • In police custody.
  • With both kidneys still in place (should have worn your Kidney-Guardâ„¢!)
  • Waking up in front of a crowd of stunned onlookers snapping hundreds of photos of you.
  • Outside of the city of Atlanta.
  • Gainfully employed and for once in your life a productive member of society rather than a hoarder of memorabilia.

 

But now is not the time to sit idle! You need to work fast to cement your reputation. Start by texting all of your friends/phone contacts/IRC chatrooms/phone sex lines about how you were 'omg so drunk' last night, and be sure to include graphic details of anything of a sexual nature that may or may not have occurred. This is critical! You need to get your details on textsfromlastnight.com as soon as possible.

 

Once you're done with that (given how few friends you have it can't take more than a minute or two) you need to clean up a little and get out into the wild. Find anyone you can who you think may have been at the party and loudly proclaim what an awesome party it was, even if you can't remember or lost a kidney. Repeat this process for at least two hours. With luck, you'll accidentally actually brag to someone else who was at the party and can remember you. That person will then go to others they may remember and talk about how they run into that great dude from the party, or that huge freak. Either way, you're being talked about, and any press is good press!

 

Be sure to go back to your room and begin emailing assorted local publications or media outlets, such as the Daily Dragon or Dragon*Con TV, to tell them of what a great party it was. You need to get the ball rolling wherever possible here. Then you need to begin preparing for the next party. Yes, you do have to go. Repeating this whole process all weekend is the best way to gain notoriety as "that guy/girl", and whether such a designation is positive or negative is entirely irrelevant.

 

Eventually Monday will come and it'll be time to leave. At that point there's nothing to do but wait for your legend to grow, my friend. I hope you're psyched. I hope you're ready. I hope you've got the nads to go all out on this, but you can do it. You can be the Partygod of Dragon*Con.

 

Godspeed you.

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