Sex at Dragon*Con Meeting that Special Someone Tips for approaching a male, from a guy's perspective.  Tips for approaching a female, from a girl's perspective.  Getting Your Schwerve On Sweet Lovings Afterwards The Naked Safety Dance Types of Risks Preggers Crotch Rot Dramabomb Criminal Shenanigans Fetish Surprise Conclusion IT PUTS THE CONDOM ON ITS THING OR ELSE IT WANKS ALONE AGAIN.

 

Sex at Dragon*Con

 

In the brief, alcohol and caffeine fueled weekend that is Dragon*Con, it shouldn't be a surprise that many attendees will find other attendees attractive. Attempts at mating will inevitably follow. This can be a wonderful thing, but those participating in such acts should be careful with themselves and their special buddy, as well as considerate to other attendees. The following is a series of best practices and suggestions to help ensure any such experiences you may be lucky to find yourself in are pleasurable, memorable, and safe. 

 

Meeting that Special Someone

 

You never know when a Cupid's Arrow will strike: perhaps in the gaming hall, perhaps in a panel, or perhaps just passing in the crowded hallways. Most often, however, this occurs at one of the bars, whilst drunk. It might be wise for the aspiring Virgin to spend his or her time in this particular venue, as the alcohol-influenced inhibitions will be less of a barrier to entry (if you know what I mean, giggity giggity).

 

While some folks may be comfortable in a social setting, we know that many simply are not. As such, here are a few nuggets of advice regarding approaching your target:

 

• Don't refer to him/her as your 'target' within range of your target's hearing.
• Bathing on a regular basis will multiply your chances of success. A clean shirt and a pleasant odor (at least a little deodorant, maybe some aftershave, NOT Axe body spray) will go a long ways. See Remedial Hygiene for advice.
• Strike up a pleasant conversation. Don't interrupt if your target is speaking to someone else. Don't use a pick-up line of any variety. A simple "Hi, I'm <your name here>. Did you come a long ways to get here?/ How are you?/ Neat costume! (where applicable)" is a perfect start.
• If your target is wearing a furry animal suit, don't try that latter question. And probably best to avoid him/her/it unless you're into that kind of thing, FYI.
• If your target gives signs that he/she is uninterested in conversation, then politely excuse yourself and find another target. Confidence is good, but persistence/badgering/pleading/begging/crying won't get you laid. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and there are plenty of inebriated, desperate nerds at the bar.
• If you are successful in starting a conversation, you may wish to offer to buy your target a drink. This is an aggressive move, but you may need all the help you can get.
• Hopefully by this point you'll be able to sense a connection with your target. Exchange contact information, and names (if you're into that sort of thing). From here you have to let it take its course. DO REMEMBER that NO MEANS NO. This is not the time to show off your chloroform cologne. Again, plenty of desperate nerds at the bar.

 

 

Tips for approaching a male, from a guy's perspective. 

 

• Don't be afraid to be a little forward, or a lot forward. Most guys tend to like it when a woman makes her intentions known.
• With that said, it's something of a misconception that guys will go for any woman acting slutty. A pleasant but fun-loving demeanor will help a lot here. A willingness to crack jokes and have a quick smile will get many a man's heart aflutter. Starting off by grabbing his crotch is a bad idea.
• A sexy costume may help you, but please do be aware of what sorts of definitions of 'sexy' are appropriate for your body type. This isn't to say 'no fatties allowed', but a 400 pound woman in a Slave Leia costume will rarely do it for a guy. (Admittedly, some men are into that sort of thing, but it's best to know your audience a bit before breaking out that sort of getup).
• Don't make a suggestion that a guy do anything for you; IE, don't hint you'd like for him to buy you a drink if you're the one approaching him. An interested gentleman may offer, but suggesting ahead of time may give the impression that you're after something other than his company, and may sour the deal.
• Asking questions about him, rather than starting off by telling him all about you, is the way to go.
• If the target is in costume, striking up a conversation about said costume is a good start.

 

Tips for approaching a female, from a girl's perspective. 

• First of all, yes, we have breasts. Try not to fixate on them. A little ogling may be appropriate or even appreciated, but try not to let them distract you overly much.  Talking to boobs isn't going to get you any closer to actually having contact with them.
• Do not try to become friends with a girl in an attempt to get closer to her better-looking friends.  It will not work, and you will be facing a swarm of highly unimpressed females.  In some circumstances, this could be hazardous to your health.
• Be friendly, try to find common interests.  Do not let a conversation turn into a monologue about your gaming habits, why you think Star Trek is better than Star Wars, conspiracy theories about the fire-marshal, or the lint you picked out of your belly button. 
• You are both at a Sci-Fi/Fantasy Con.  There's more chance of finding a common interest here than you would have with a random girl at a bar.  Nerd chicks may actually know more about said geeky topics than you do, so never ever treat them like they're stupid.
• A lack of clothing doesn't necessarily mean your target is slutty.  Assuming so is going to likely leave you very disappointed and her very ticked off.
• Just because you're doing everything "right" is no guarantee that a woman is interested in you or is interested in getting frisky with you.  Women are not video games, with specific preset steps to get to a goal.  Just because it worked in a romantic comedy doesn't mean that it's going to work in real life.

 

Getting Your Schwerve On

 

If you've gotten this far then good job! Many of your attending brethren have never known the joy of true, mutual lust (with an actual chance of acting upon it). Before you start swapping tartar sauce, however, there are a few things to keep in mind.

 

• CHECK HIS/HER ID. In the state of Georgia the age of consent is 16. Accidents happen but the local district attorney isn't always forgiving.
• Make sure you're both on the same page about what you want out of the evening.  It's going to be a very ugly situation in the morning if you're planning on a one night stand and he/she is mentally planning the wedding and naming your future children.
• Have your equipment with you. At the very least you'll need a condom: herpes isn't a fun souvenir. If you're into that sort of thing and have hooked up with someone of the furry persuasion then that goes double. Furpies just isn't cool. We also recommend you have:
  • More condoms.
  • Spare underwear.
  • A cell phone with a roommate's/friend's number included in case of emergencies.
  • Your room key.
  • Kidney-GuardËœ, to prevent those bad mornings where you wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
  • Spray-on deodorant.
  • Breath mints.
  • Spare alcohol in case your target begins to sober up.
  • Be sure to have read about Safe Sex At Dragon*Con.
• A love nest. Be sure that you or your target has a room that can be used privately for sweet lovings. It's recommended that if you have roommates, you warn them. If they're sober they may not want to see what you've dragged home. NOTE: The bathroom, an alley, an empty conference room, or at the bar itself, are not acceptable locations.

 

Sweet Lovings

 

Many people may be alarmed at the idea of intimate physical contact with another human being. Don't panic: your target is likely as afraid of you as you are of him/her. At any rate, hopefully you'll get at least to second base. If you don't score that home run, with luck you'll be doing this on a Friday and will have a few more nights to ply your target with the finest alcohols.

 

While we could offer some advice here, we will instead leave you to the horrifying combination of what your parents told you of where babies come from, plus what you've learned by cruising through /b/ on 4Chan. Be sure to take pics. When you brag to your friends later they'll likely want to see the terrifying truth.

 

Afterwards

 

The followup to your evening of carnal pleasures (or awkward fumblings) can vary dramatically. You may be accosted by a jealous wannabe-lover who never had the huevos to act upon his/her daydreamings. You may awaken to the drunken braying of your/your partner's roommates. You may find that you blacked out, have sobered up next to a walrus, and need to escape as quickly as possible. In any event, it's time for you or your partner to experience

 

The Walk of Shame.

 

This event is typically described as the return from the love nest to one's own quarters, in the same clothing as was worn the previous evening. While it's true that many people feel ashamed during this event, you have one key thing to remember: you just scored. And in the vast sea of nerds before you, there will be relatively few others who can claim the same. So hold your head up high, my friend. The horrible hangover may be vicious, your partner may be blacked out, and you may (if you didn't armor up your/your partner's willie) have some exciting new STD. But whatever else happened, you've engaged in a reproductive act.

 

God have mercy on us all.

 

The Naked Safety Dance

 

Sex is a wonderful thing, and who knows! You might be lucky enough to score someday too. Unfortunately the act of bumping uglies can carry with it several horrible dangers. This is a brief guide to help you navigate the pink seas of sweet, sweet loving without a storm sinking your submarine, or your poor little man in the boat.

 

Types of Risks

 

There are five primary classes of risk you're dealing with when you choose to drown the slippery otter. These are: Preggers, Crotch Rot, Dramabomb, Criminal Shenanigans, and the Fetish Surprise. All of these have been known to happen sooner or later to all of those lucky folks with the opportunity to screw on a regular basis, so it's worth keeping in mind that if you're gonna stick it in the pink or have your pink stuck into, you'll never be completely free of danger. The fact is, however, that the danger only makes it more fun.

 

• Preggers

  • This is the big one. An unforeseen, unplanned, and lets be honest, just plain unwanted child will do more damage to your life in the long term than all STDs combined and delivered rectally by a Clydesdale stallion with blueballs on a cocaine bender. There is simply no more terrifying result of fornication, and this is especially the case if your special bed buddy is from across the country. Fear it like you do the sun or a bar of soap.
  • Mitigation: The most common way to prevent pregnancy is condom use. Females may also chose to use birth control. Sterilization all around is recommended. If these items are problematic or unappealing, you may also consider oral sex, anal sex, homosexuality, bestiality, or your most common technique, masturbating while crying yourself to sleep again.

 

• Crotch Rot

  • A clean, unsullied, well-cared-for crotch is one of life's great joys (you'd know that if you bathed once in a while). Discovering one on your partner is a similar joy. Unfortunately, sometimes crotches that appear pristine may in fact hide legions of microbes all intent on growing their empire. It's like Sex-Borg, resistance is futile. There are many thousands of interesting diseases you can pick up from a partner, but all are bad, even those that can be easily cured. Even once your junk has been scorched clean by the burning fires of the Lord (with the help of napalm), the memory of the violation will always be in your mind.
  • Mitigation: Once again, condom use is the most common prevention. Other birth control won't help you here. Prayer doesn't either, FYI. Unfortunately, oral sex, anal sex, homosexuality, and bestiality won't help you either. You're looking at condoms or masturbation, and that's it. Bathing is also generally a good idea but can't cure or completely prevent the truly nasty ones: see Remedial Hygiene for details.

 

• Dramabomb

  • It plays out hundreds of times at every scifi/fantasy convention. Individual X slept with individual Y, without knowing that individual Z has secretly lusted for Y for decades but never had the testicular fortitude to actually act on it, inevitably making Z hate X and display this by spreading nasty rumors about X, starting arguments with X over unrelated things, or in the worst scenarios, threatening X. While rarely truly dangerous, it can make the rest of the convention unpleasant, annoying, and worst of all, preventing X from sexing Y again the next night.
  • Mitigation: Honestly, there's not much you can do to prevent it. Individual Z will have guarded his/her emotions closely and won't show their hand until they get the news. A few things to remember will help you survive it. Firstly, realize that individual Z was clearly a loser who should have gotten off their probably-fat ass and beat you to it if that's how they feel. By sleeping with their friend and wrecking Z's dream you're doing him/her a favor, because maybe now they can get on with their lives. Second, before slipping your partner the pork sword/letting your partner sheathe said sword, be sure to casually ask about any relationships they might be in. Sometimes they neglect to mention this and it could save you the headache. Third, when picking someone up at the bar, stand up on a chair and shout your intentions to the crowd. It may seem embarrassing, but amongst the chorus of cheers you may be able to pick out the still-cloaked individual Z by the fact that they're not cheering you on.

 

• Criminal Shenanigans

  • This is an extremely wide ranging topic. We're talking about everything from underage drinking to wallet theft, accidental statutory rape (sure it was, pedo), definitely intentional normal rape, to waking up in a bathtub full of ice but down a kidney. As such it's difficult to get into any useful specifics of what may occur. These are just general sorts of things you'll need to keep an eye out for.
  • Mitigation: Again, with such a wide range of potential issues its hard to know where to begin. But there are a few general things to keep in mind to help out.

     

    • Have a cell phone with you and have the numbers of friends in the hotel with you, roommates, and people you trust. It might also be wise to have your hotel's desk number in there for really nasty cases. If your cell phone can take pics of your vile genital congregations, all the better.
    • Have a hidden spot to stash some cash in case of theft. If you wake up after a night of sexings and find your wallet gone, $20 hidden in your shoe can save your ass. An in-room safe is a good place to store valuables, too (duh).
    • Wear a rubber. It will prevent STDs and pregnancy, but it will also help keep genetic material away from your victim I MEAN sex partner.
    • If you're going to someone else's room for sex, be sure to tell a friend where you're going, down to the room number. It'll make it easier for them to call the police when you don't come home the next night.
    • Always, always wear your Kidney-GuardËœ. It's the number one choice of law enforcement professionals for preventing theft of vital organs.

 

• Fetish Surprise

  • If it wasn't for the potential of murder under the criminal item, this would be the most dangerous of them all. There is nothing more terrifying or heartbreaking than to get back to a one-night-lover's room only to find it full of whips and chains, bondage gear, electrical implements with bare electrodes that look suspiciously phallus-like, a donkey, or worst of all, fursuits. While it may be interesting to experiment with new games like this, it's important to be aware of the little kinks and fetishes of your partner before letting them trap you in their web of freakiness.

  • Mitigation: Communication is the key here. If you make plans together for a night of sweaty thrustings and gruntings, it's good to take a moment to ask about any kinks or fetishes your partner enjoys. And if you have some of your own, be open about them. It's true that sometimes these may be a deal-breaker, but it's best to get your plans shot down at the bar rather than weeping and thinking about where you went wrong in your life when Old MacPedo is yiffing away at your tender rectum and singing showtunes while their roommate and his pet donkey take pictures whilst nude. Or before you bring your sex pal back to your room to introduce him/her to your roommate and his donkey, resulting in a long uncomfortable discussion with the police.

 

Conclusion

 

Although there are many risks, in the end it will ultimately boil down to one single piece of advice:

 

IT PUTS THE CONDOM ON ITS THING OR ELSE IT WANKS ALONE AGAIN.